ROAKNOKE RAPIDS, N.C.—Anthony Fauci was spotted in the parking lot of a Walmart off of I-95 on Sunday with a truckload full of what appeared to be goalposts. The controversial doctor traded his normal suit and tie in for some cut-off camouflage shorts and a t-shirt.
“Yeah, it’s a workday for me,” Fauci told reporters while sitting in his red Ford F-250 SuperCab. “While many Americans are at home watching football, I’m busy breaking down goalposts and moving them throughout the country.”
“The last thing we want is for the country to reach some previously agreed-to standard or objective and then think we’ve achieved something once we actually get to that point,” Fauci said. “This way, people never know what to expect next.”
Fauci said all he wants is for Americans to be “safe” and the only way to ensure each and every one’s safety is by “constantly telling them something new.”
“Moving the goalposts on people is the only way I can think of to keep people engaged in this never-ever-gonna-end battle with COVID,” he added.
The man affectionately known as “Dr. Doom” said he likes to go “incognito” when moving the goalposts, that way no one suspects it’s him or where he’ll end up placing the goalposts “this time around.”
Fauci told reporters he “generally” likes to stick close to I-95 so that he has “plenty of time” to get back to the studio for his next round of panic porn interviews.
“I’m here to give the people what they want,” he said as he was about to drive away to some undisclosed location to set up the goalposts.