WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden issued a statement on Friday saying the “problem” with America right now is “too many business are out to make a buck.”
Biden said in the statement businesses can “learn a thing or two” from the federal government such as “money doesn’t matter, you don’t really need to produce anything to be helpful, and you can always blame your competitor for your own failures.”
The president said these three “guiding principles” have “really helped” him “achieve wild success” so far in his presidency.
“I don’t know what it is about these businesses, but all these people seem to care about is making money. It’s always ‘work, work, work’ and ‘produce, produce, produce.’ Anyone see me every worry about stuff like that? Not a chance, pal.”
Biden said he “had a dream that one day businesses will rise up and pay people for doing nothing at all, kinda like the federal government.”
“I have a dream,” he continued, “that one day non-workers and the workers will be able to shop at the same stores to buy the same stuff, because they all have the same amount of money. I have a dream.”
The president called on businesses to quit expecting something out of their employees and reminded them the “thing that counts” is intentions.
“Look, if a person decides to show up for work, good. Let him do whatever he wants when he gets there. He’s the good guy. He came to work, so quit bothering him. Let him be creative. Even if he fails, it shouldn’t matter. His intentions were good, and that’s what really counts. And pay him a living wage, for goodness sake,” Biden said.
The president pined for a time when businesses would stop all the talk about making a profit, because that puts “undue stress on the workforce,” which is why he continues to “set the example” for businesses by never talking about money and pretending it doesn’t even exist.
Biden ended his remarks by reminding the nation’s businesses that if they stop worrying about money and just give whatever they have to causes he’s pre-approved, “that’s what really matters.” He also asked one thought-provoking question: “Do you want to be on the right side of history? Then act more like us, the federal government, and do what’s right.”
The president also added he’s raising taxes on businesses and corporations to pay for some “really neat-o stuff,” before he shuffled away from the podium pretending he didn’t hear reporters shouting questions at him.