LOUISVILLE, KY—Establishment Republicans held a meeting Friday to discuss the dramatic rise in conservative-sounding rhetoric within the Republican party that has been blamed on Donald Trump and those who think like him.
Mitch McConnell, the Republican leader in the senate, identified the new variant as “Constitutionalism 101” and said it seems highly contagious among all ages within his party.
Fox News and Newsmax first reported the new variant seems to be the most heavily mutated form of conservatism since the election of 2020.
Sen. Mitt Romney from Utah wrote that he was “nearly infected” with a “lesser but similar strain” back in 2012, but he made a “full recovery” and now has the “necessary antibodies” against the new and stronger disease. Romney described his “painful and traumatic experience” of having to deal with a strain of conservatism, but said in a recent interview that he just glad he “survived the ordeal.”
“This variant did surprise us, because we thought we had this conservatism under control,” McConnell told attendees that included every loser Republican in congress, most writers at the National Review, the Lincoln Project, Stephen Hayes, Jonah Goldberg, Matt Drudge, and a handful of others, including Beto O’Rourke who showed up uninvited to take away everyone’s guns, but then realized no one in attendance has ever touched a weapon so he completely wasted his time.
McConnell continued. “We believe this new, more insidious strain seems to be coming from Mar-a-Lago,” pointing the blame at Donald Trump.
“So what do we do now, folks?” a bewildered McConnell asked the group. “Can we impeach Trump again? That didn’t work the first two times, but maybe the third time’s a charm?”
Everyone in the room just shrugged their shoulders and looked at each other.
“What if we just write about how morally superior we are to Trump and everyone who votes for him?” David French suggested, which was seconded by Hayes and Goldberg.
McConnell said that was an “excellent idea,” but their 16 readers “already know that.”
The room tossed around some ideas, but the one that seemed to gain traction was the one about continuing to “live inside their own warped bubbles inside the beltway,” so that this new strain would be “less effective” against them, at least.
McConnell tossed out the idea of pretending to embrace the idea for a few months until they regained power and then tried again to destroy the strain, but the idea of faking conservatism for even a little while was too repulsive to all those in attendance.
“This new variant seems unstoppable so we must all be on guard against it,” McConnell added.
McConnell also warned the group about travelling outside of D.C. He said he is close to declaring a “state of emergency” over the variant until they can find a way to “permanently eradicate it.”
“If we want to be the party of the perpetual minority, which I’m totally OK with, we must do everything we can to destroy this horrific strain,” McConnell said.
At time of publishing, the group was carrying McConnell on their shoulders singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” over and over again.