WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden earlier this week had no turkeys to pardon this year due to his “highly successful” bail reform.
Reform activists have welcomed the recent decline in turkeys on tables across America and hope the trend continues.
“This shows 100% our policies on bail reform work,” President Biden shouted at a press event that normally would have been a turkey pardon. “Today we stand here with empty tables before us to show America and the world what happens when we put liberals in charge of the justice system. This is good news, folks.”
Turkeys were set to receive the death penalty this week, but Vice President Kamala Harris raised just enough money, $11.32, to free both birds before White House chef Cristeta Comerford had the opportunity to slaughter them for consumption.
“It’s important to make up new traditions like setting all prisoners free that remind us how much light and progress we have made after four years of darkness. And that’s what this year’s Thanksgiving, in my view, represents—no one gets anything they like or used to have. That’s equity. That’s a good thing for America,” Biden said.
Biden ended by thanking Harris for making the getaway of the turkeys possible and pointed out this is her “first accomplishment as vice president and probably her last.”
Reporters in the audience were moved to tears, while members of the squad were still seething with anger over who the heck knows what.
“Um, I think that incarceration, both pre-trial and post-conviction, is, like, a really super bad thing,” a visibly indignant Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who listened to the ceremony and lives in a perpetual state of manufactured anger told reporters. “Our criminal justice system is broken, fraught with institutional racism, over-policing, lack of accountability, a whole lot of other platitudes and big words I didn’t memorize just yet and don’t really know the meaning of, but I’ll tweet them later and post a video to TikTok about it.”
“I don’t even see why we need to pardon turkeys in the first place. If these white killers weren’t going around rounding up birds of color or shooting them dead in the woods, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. I want everyone to re-imagine Thanksgiving. Oh, yes, and I want a new name for it, since that’s racist too,” she added.