WASHINGTON, D.C.—A fed-up Sen. Bernie Sanders has decided to take matters into his own hands and is holding Sen. Joe Manchin hostage until “Democrats and others come to their senses.”
“Poll after poll shows this is what the American people want me to do,” Sanders shouted to reporters during a Zoom call in which the Vermont senator listed his demands, which included trillions of dollars for an infrastructure bill, two Taco Party Packs from Taco Bell, a six-pack of diet Coke, two “extra large” pee bottles, and a pair of knit mittens.
“I’m not an animal,” Sanders added. “Besides, it can get a little chilly down here.”
He then offered proof of life for Manchin.
Sanders also said he didn’t want to take matters this far, but insisted he had “no choice” but to execute what he called “Operation Robespierre,” which included handcuffing the senator in the basement of the senate building until the trillion-dollar transaction was “complete.”
“The people of this country demand change. They are sick and tired of corporate interests. We are trying to pass the consequential piece of legislation for the working class of this country, and we demand the wealthiest people and large corporations start paying their fair share of taxes.”
Sanders said he doesn’t give a “flying rip” about the top 1% paying 80% of all taxes in the country.
“Not enough,” a frazzled Sanders shouted as spittle covered his iPhone screen during the Zoom call. “We need to get free prescription drugs, free dental care, free nursery, free college education, free sunglasses, and free tacos. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
“The truth is Republicans have no interest in doing what’s right for the people. No support. Zero. So I’m here to take a stand and ensure my party does what it can to pass this bill.”
Sanders said he would spend “whatever it takes” to save the planet, and he wasn’t about to let any “snot-nosed whinny, so-called moderates” get in his way of “preventing the collapse of humanity.”
“Bernie, don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far?” Manchin asked before Sanders shoved a taco in his mouth and put a piece of duct tape over it.
“We have the American people, very, very strongly on our side. We’ve got the president on our side, and we’ve got 96% of the American people on our side. We only need one more senator on our side, so I think, yes, this sends a real strong message that we mean business,” Sanders said.
He continued, “The American people want us to get this done, so I’m taking matters into my own hands to ensure we give the people what they want.”
At time of publishing, sources inside the senate office building reportedly heard someone who sounded like Sanders shout, “Hey, Joe, whaddya want on your pizza?”