METROPOLIS—DC Comics announced today that its forthcoming issue of Superman will feature a love triangle between the bisexual Superman, a queer Centaur, and the transsexual Chiron.
“This was actually Superman’s idea,” a spokesman for DC Comics said. “He was tired of seeing Lois Lane and wanted to spice up things a bit.”
“Yeah, it’s so 2019 to read the same old tripe: boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy chases girl, boy finally gets girl, boy and girl live happily ever after,” said Superman. “No one wants to see that kind of stuff anymore. That’s not even believable, if you ask me.”
Superman said he’s been “fighting” who he is really is for all these decades and he just can’t take it anymore. He said he thought coming out as bisexual would let the world see “the real Superman,” but that was still “living a lie.”
“I’m more than bisexual,” Superman said. “In fact, that’s insulting. I’m into way more than just two genders, and it became obvious when I first met Centaur,” he said giggling like a school girl.
Sources say Superman and Centaur really “hit it off” during that last mission saving the world against climate change in which they were able to give humanity an extra year before doomsday would strike.
“When my stunningly gay-blue eyes first saw that half-man, half-horse, I was smitten. I knew right then and there that Centaur is way more than Lois Lane could ever be,” Superman said. “I don’t care if it sounds cliché, but I really think Centaur completes me.”
“To be honest, I’m not even sure how gay Superman really is,” a jealous Chiron said. “Centaur’s mine, and I’m not gonna let some cisgender male in spandex steal what’s rightfully mine, even if he is an absolute hottie.”
DC Comics confirmed that the inspiration for the themes in their comics was taken directly from the real-life situations facing superheroes and centaurs every day.
“I don’t wanna give away too much, but let’s just say, don’t be surprised if Superman grows his family in the near future,” the effusive spokesman said.
“This is gonna be so gay, we probably need to find a new word to accurately describe its gayness,” he added.