WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. has set a record of releasing unvaxxed and unvetted Haitian immigrants, with over 14,000 of the third-world island country’s finest from Del Rio, Texas in the span of a single weekend—in “record time”—the White House boasted on Saturday morning.
“We’ve never seen numbers like this in the history of our nation. As the President likes to say, ‘This is a B-F-D’,” a spokesperson boasted.
“We couldn’t be more proud of ourselves,” he continued. “The way we were able to set free all those Haitians into communities around America without anyone even knowing gives us a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. It’s why we show up to work every day. With these kind of results—” he tried to finish his sentence, but was too choked up from the gravity of the moment to finish.
The White House attributed the success in part to the quick evacuation from Afghanistan where America removed both ally and terrorist alike. “Afghanistan was really our dress rehearsal, if you will,” another spokesperson said. “It really gave us the confidence to know we could release thousands of unvaxxed, unvetted third-world migrants into the U.S.—some good, others maybe not so good—at a moment’s notice,” he added with a sense of satisfaction.
“Do we know who these people are? Do we know what kind of diseases they are carrying? Well, no, not really, but that’s not the important thing, now is it? It’s crucial that people know our intentions are good and where our heart is. And that’s what really matters.”
The White House spokesperson added there is a “very good chance” the Administration will have the opportunity to flood the nation with even more unvaxxed, unvetted Haitian immigrants in the coming days since there is a group of 20,000 Haitians currently in Mexico, poised to invade the country in the next few days.
A second White House spokesperson told The Muckraker Times that thousands of Haitian migrants are no longer “subject to abuses by Border Patrol agents” and they can now “live lives like regular Americans” since they have been released into the United States.
President Biden decided to take savor the moment by taking another long weekend at one of his homes in Delaware to celebrate yet another milestone and victory to add to his growing list of accomplishments.
“I’m not sure how it could have been handled any better,” Jen Psaki was overheard saying to colleagues. “He [Biden] makes it so easy for me to do my job. Let me just be clear: His accomplishments make the reality of ‘Build-Back-Better’ easier to see with each passing day.”
The White House did not comment on what milestone they expect to reach next, but promised it should be a “doozy.”
The President was purportedly giving himself a pat on the back at time of publication.